I’ve been married around year now, having had a long distance relationship of three years prior. Since we have gotten married, my husband’s seen his friends less and less, which makes him feel like he’s no longer “hip” with things, I guess? These friends of his like to drink a lot, smoke a lot, and often smoke illegal substances. My husband has dramatically cleaned up and no longer does anything of the sort, but to feel like he’s not alone, he continues to go out with these people and bring them over to our house. I am bewildered. Personally, I hate alcohol and smoking, it upsets me greatly to see someone intoxicated. Its a weird quirk, I know. I don’t want to ask him not to have friends, but it seems like he can’t find anyone that isn’t into this toxic lifestyle. He can’t seem to get past it (he’s started smoking again) and blames me for forcing him to choose between his social life and me. Do I stand up for my own feelings and opinions or do I allow my husband to have his own lifestyles and choices? I know that sounds awful, but we are polar opposites on this specific issue. He admits its wrong often to do what he does, but he doesn’t want to appear “out of the loop” with the guys. What’s worse is I’ll be at work (we work different schedules) and he’ll tell me the guys are coming over but it will be “dry” and they’re just going to play music (he’s a musician). However, I come home and there are beer bottles and the air is smokey and he’s sitting there with a huge beer in his hand! Its not only that he’s doing these things, but that he lies beforehand. Its like I’m married to a sneaking teenager sometime. And he tells me I’m overreacting, but its just so difficult to remain calm when he’s doing everything he said he wouldn’t do. If I let him go out, I’m even more concerned he’ll do something regretful, as he did in his past, because “everyone else was doing it”. Its so childish and I can’t even comprehend how to respond to this! Any input would be helpful. I really don’t know what to say to him. He knows how I feel and still does these things, and I know where he’s coming from, but it just strikes down to my core to see him doing this. Am I being selfish? I’m trying to think of a compromise, but how do you compromise when we both feel so differently and so strongly?
wow, selfish to the max end
he made his choice. You can see that. You cant change a man. Past predicts future. He chose that lifestyle. Now you have to choose wether you can live that way or not.
I married a man that lied to me and did drugs and drank behind my back. Then he started to be emotionally abusive because I didn’t agree with his drug use. It lasted a whole seven months after we got married. Now I’m getting divorced this week! Good luck. Not always a great thing when you marry someone who is compelled to do things you do not believe is right.
He needs to run with a better class of people, folks that take their responsibilities seriously. It’s actually possible to have a good clean fun time without abusing substances to do so.
He’s married now, and needs to shift his focus to doing fun things with you and other clean couples.
You have to put your foot down now, or you’ll regret it. I suffered for many, many years in a similar situation. He chose you over his friends, when he married you. You need to go out together, and meet some nice couple friends.
Good luck.
He was like this before you married him. Those were his friends, and that was who he was. It is still who he is. You can either stay with him for awhile longer, and hope that he grows out of this, or you can cut your losses and realize that you did not marry someone who is fundamentally compatible with you.
Quite honestly, I am astonished that you would date someone who drank and smoked when you are so fundamentally opposed to that lifestyle.
Your happiness is worth more. He won’t change. Move on and let go of his hang ups. Find someone with goals and maturity.
You are definitely being unrealistic. You knew the man liked to smoke and drink beforehand, and he’s the one immature? I just don’t like this mentality that a man has to do what a woman says to be mature or worthy. If you were a man trying to get rid of his wife’s friends you’d be labeled a controlling jerk.
I think a compromise is in order. His friends come over when you’re not there, so your contact with them is limited. Together you can come up with some ground rules like no smoking in the house, but since you are going to the extreme of forcing him to either to do what you say or his friends there is no middle ground to work with.
I am sorry to say this, but you cannot change him.
HE has to be the one who admits his behavior and current lifestyle is not the best…and if he tells you he sees your point BUT continues to act the same way, I’d reconsider the entire marriage. I mean it.
Talk is cheap….and actions speak louder than words.
Have you thought about how much more this situation would affect you if you got pregnant??? Kids need stability and love…and your husband sounds like he is not ready or willing to be a good husband. I would be very worried as well if this was my husband acting this way.
Remember the saying: “Birds of a feather…flock together?” Sounds to me like your husband needs to feel he is part of a group; and he shouldn’t feel this way if he has you in his life.
Please consider going to counseling, so a professional therapist can give you tips and ideas you should consider before making a decision…Good luck.
I don’t consider not wanting to be around alcoholics and drug addicts a “weird quirk”.
You may not have realized what you were getting into when you married him as the majority of your relationship has been long distance but you have to face some facts. He hasn’t changed. He says he’s not doing drugs and alcohol and smoking and then he’s hanging out with guys all day that are completely drunk and stoned.
This is not about your “happiness”–this is about your sanity, being lied to and belittled by a man who is calling you “selfish” because you want a sober husband.
You have to face the reality that you can’t change him or control his addictive behaviors. You’re married to an alcoholic. You’re married to an addict. You’re married to a man who is choosing his friends over you. You’re married to a man who is selfish and is incapable of caring about you because of his addictions. You’re married to a liar who uses emotional ploys to make you feel guilty for desiring normalcy.
How long this marriage lasts is completely dependent on you.
The problem is he gave it up for you, not for himself. That never works. And you should have known that. So now you must make the choice to be an unhappy wife………OR agree to disagree, with compromise… by giving him his own small area/space/room to play with his friends. Either inside with a damn good exhaust fan…….or outside. With one very strong stipulation, ALL ‘toys’ must be legal. Now if that still disturbs you, then he can go to his friends’ place to play…..However, this I would definitely NOT recommend.