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 After 6 years of marriage, I have decided I want to ask my husband for a divorce. This has not been an easy decision to make, of course. Looking back, I realize that our marriage has been rocky at times from the beginning. I in no way am trying to place ALL the blame on my husband as it takes two people to argue, but there are some big things that have happened that have eroded my feelings of trust and affection for my husband. I believe that my husband abuses alcohol, although he denies having a problem. He has had periods of time where he has gone without drinking, but it always starts back up again. I realized recently that by bailing him out over the years, I was enabling him to continue his drinking by not leaving sooner. As a result, he feels like I will always forgive him no matter what happens. I acknowledge that, but he is ultimately responsible for choosing to drink or not! He gets verbally abusive when he drinks. If we have a disagreement, he will leave the house and go out until 2 or 3 a.m. and come home drunk. The most recent incident involved him coming home angry because I had to have our car towed from where he was so he would not drive intoxicated. He promises me that he is trying to change, but I feel that he is telling me what I want to hear so that I won’t leave. I know deep down that he might be trying to “guilt” me into staying. I know that no one has a “pretty” divorce, as I have been through it before. I learned important lessons of what not to do during a divorce as a result of my experience. Does anyone have any advice on how to try to keep this as amicable as possible? Is there a way to break the news to him while minimizing the hurt I know he is going to feel, or is that unrealistic? Secondly, I am in a bit of a “bad” situation and would like some advice about the best course of action. We currently are living with my in-laws temporarily (it’s a long story), so obviously I will be the one who needs to find a new place to live. I made the mistake of being a stay at home wife, so I am not currently working, therefore am financially dependant on my husband. I need to return to school so that I can secure a good job. I do NOT want to be deceptive with him! He told me when we discussed divorce a few months ago that he would help me financially temporarily until I get back on my feet, which I really appreciate. I have NO desire to take him to the cleaners and feel that temporary support would give me a chance to make a new start. With that said, what would you say is reasonable to accept from him without causing him unneccesary financial stress while having my basic needs provided for? How long is reasonable? I want to be FAIR without being taken advantage of, that’s all! Should I hold off telling him until I get a job or is that deceptive also? I really need some constructive advice on how to handle this situation with tact and fairness.
 my husband was stopped , failed a field sobriety test, passed 2 breathalyzer test in sherriff dept.,passed another one in DPS car, DPS officer decided maybe both machines were broke, consented to blood test, they did not take his license, or give him a notice of suspension at the time, now we want to be prepared in case they come back on him.They released him the next morn. on a PR bond,two weeks & we still haven’t heard anything. He knows he was not intoxicated, he drank 5 beers over a 6 hr. period. This is in Texas.
Another detail, he was given a ticket for BWI by the game warden. But he did atleast thank him later that evening for being cooperative. I was told by the sheriffs dept. yesterday by phone that we had to have an attorney subpeona the results. The attorney wants $1,500.to find out the results, then if he is prosecuted $2,000. to request a hearing to not suspend his license, then more money to represent him in a case. Normally, they do give you a notice of suspension for your license at the time of incident, they did not. Also, the DPS officer after the breath tests tried to convince the game warden (over the radio) my 17yr. son, & 24yr. daughter heard this conversation while they were waiting for the game warden to run her & her friends drivers license before they would release the boat & vehicle to my daughter, they did not impound them, thank God.
Are you getting to the age now where a weekly night out on the town with your friends is a long distant memory? Children, husbands, careers and not to mention bills and mortgages all tend to get in the way, giving you little or no time left for your friends. Time is one of the few things that we can’t buy in this modern world, which also makes it one of the most valuable.
There’s no need to let your friendships suffer though. With a bit of creativity and imagination you could still make time for your girlfriends. The classic girlsâ night in is always a crowd pleaser and has the added credit crunch bonus of being as cheap as you want it to be. Babysitters and childminders can literally double the cost of a night out, so why not meet up with your friends in the comfort of your own home? Send your other half out for the evening, chill a few bottles of Chablis, put out some nibbles and play one of your favourite albums. All your other responsibilities will soon fade away.
For a truly indulgent girls night in why not convert your front room into a sumptuous beauty parlour? A few well placed fluffy bath towels, candles and facial treatments will soon get you all in the mood. There are plenty of luxury skincare brands available now where you can purchase face masks and skincare treatments that previously were only available inside salons, so not only will you be left feeling revitalised and reenergised but your skin will look gorgeous too.
To get you truly in the mood you could all invest in a big white bathrobe normally only seen at luxury health spas, which combined with a huge bath towel around your hair will make you feel as if you are on a luxury weekend away together, not chatting away in your front room.
If you feel like a true pamper and detox you could always forsake the wine and use a juicer to make some pure fruit juices. If you fancy adding a twist, grab your blender and have a look on the internet for some mocktail recipes – giving you all the glamour of cocktails without the nasty hangovers!
So grab some fluffy bath towels, a huge white bathrobe and several pampering essentials and get your friends over for the ultimate girlsâ night in.
I’ve been married around year now, having had a long distance relationship of three years prior. Since we have gotten married, my husband’s seen his friends less and less, which makes him feel like he’s no longer “hip” with things, I guess? These friends of his like to drink a lot, smoke a lot, and often smoke illegal substances. My husband has dramatically cleaned up and no longer does anything of the sort, but to feel like he’s not alone, he continues to go out with these people and bring them over to our house. I am bewildered. Personally, I hate alcohol and smoking, it upsets me greatly to see someone intoxicated. Its a weird quirk, I know. I don’t want to ask him not to have friends, but it seems like he can’t find anyone that isn’t into this toxic lifestyle. He can’t seem to get past it (he’s started smoking again) and blames me for forcing him to choose between his social life and me. Do I stand up for my own feelings and opinions or do I allow my husband to have his own lifestyles and choices? I know that sounds awful, but we are polar opposites on this specific issue. He admits its wrong often to do what he does, but he doesn’t want to appear “out of the loop” with the guys. What’s worse is I’ll be at work (we work different schedules) and he’ll tell me the guys are coming over but it will be “dry” and they’re just going to play music (he’s a musician). However, I come home and there are beer bottles and the air is smokey and he’s sitting there with a huge beer in his hand! Its not only that he’s doing these things, but that he lies beforehand. Its like I’m married to a sneaking teenager sometime. And he tells me I’m overreacting, but its just so difficult to remain calm when he’s doing everything he said he wouldn’t do. If I let him go out, I’m even more concerned he’ll do something regretful, as he did in his past, because “everyone else was doing it”. Its so childish and I can’t even comprehend how to respond to this! Any input would be helpful. I really don’t know what to say to him. He knows how I feel and still does these things, and I know where he’s coming from, but it just strikes down to my core to see him doing this. Am I being selfish? I’m trying to think of a compromise, but how do you compromise when we both feel so differently and so strongly?
 My husband was arrested forBWI by game warden,failed field sobriety test gave up after3rd test but stated, I’m not intoxicated,I want a breath test.he drank 5 beers8am-1pm.Taken to sheriff dept DPS officer gave him 2 breath test inside passed.The officer said maybe machine was broke,went to his car used remote breathalyzer,same thing passed,he consented to blood test.Was taken back to jail,released next AM on PR bond.It was a90hp motor on boat law states over 50hp automatic 6mo.license susp. they didn’t take his license&have not received a license susp.notice yet its been14 day.Sheriff dept said an attorney must subpeona test results.He wants$1500 to do so.The game warden also refused to give our 24 yr.girl the boat&truck until she& 2 pass.w/her TDL’s cleared,only 2 would drive.Checked for warrants NONE.Searched boat for over an hour&questioned17yr.son about poaching-no way& how many beer,was w/dad,held him over 2hr on boat&shore,he then left the empty bottles in boat, we live in Texas
While the game warden had my son & daughter detained the DPS officer at the sheriff’s dept. called him on the radio twice telling him the breath results & stating both times that he did not feel he was intoxicated & should be released. The game warden refused. My son, daughter & her 2 friends were all present for this conversation. He had them all standing or sitting on the hard ground- boat ramp while they searched the boat(another game warden was there as well) and ran their licenses. They were all very respectful & cooperated with no problem, the game warden even came to my husbands cell & thanked my him for being so cooperative later that evening when he gave him his paperwork. My husband & whole family use this fishing spot all the time & more or less know the owners. Mainly he just wants to clear his name. He is innocent. It is not illegal to drink & drive a boat unless you are intoxicated. Although we both agree it is not the smartest thing to do, and won’t repeat this behavior
The underlying basis of all addictions – and alcohol is no exception – is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people have genetic and biological predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many people who join AA learn to deal with their painful emotions without the use of alcohol, regardless of their genetic predisposition.
What if you are a person who wants to stop drinking, who has tried AA and treatment programs, and just can’t stop? What might be happening here?
Often, the pain you want avoid is the pain of loneliness and inner aloneness. The aloneness is caused by inner disconnection, and the loneliness is caused by not connecting with others.
Sometimes, the situation you are in is extremely lonely and painful; yet leaving the situation might seem even more painful.
For example, Gwen married a man she thought was kind and caring. But after they had a child and experienced financial stress, he became verbally abusive to her and to the children. Alcohol had always been a part of her life, but she started to abuse it when the pain and stress of her marriage became too great for her to handle. Due to her fear of her family’s judgment and her two children, Gwen did not want to leave her marriage.
Gwen felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she stayed, she would need to continue to be at the other end of her controlling, angry, needy, blaming, judgmental husband. Gwen felt extremely lonely with him and suffocated by him – feeling like she had to tow the line and do what he wanted or be at the other end of his rage. Whenever he would attack her with his anger and criticism, she would overtly give in, but covertly numb out and resist him with her drinking. Her husband, Sam, hated her drinking, and would become even more controlling. But for Gwen, drinking was the only way she knew to survive the pain of his insults while finding some way to resist his control. Not knowing how to take care of herself with her husband, she gave herself up, creating the inner aloneness.
If she left, she believed she would need to face the anger and judgment of her parents and siblings. No one in her family had ever been divorced. Gwen was terrified of being outcast from her family of origin. She believed that the pain of leaving would be worse than the pain of staying – that she would end up feeling even lonelier.
Gwen tried to learn to speak up for herself, but this only brought more abuse. From Gwen’s point of view, there was no way out other than to numb the pain through drinking.
As long as Gwen believed that she could be okay only though the approval of others, she remained stuck and unable to stop drinking. But Gwen decided to get some help in learning how to take loving care of herself.
Gwen grew up being the good girl in her family, the person who looked after everyone else’s feelings and needs. She learned well to ignore her own feelings and needs. When she started counseling with me, she actually had no idea why she drank.
As Gwen started to tune into her own feelings and learned to connect with a spiritual Source of love and comfort, she realized that keeping herself and her children in an abusive situation was not loving to anyone. She asked her husband to join her in counseling, but he refused. Mustering her courage, she left her husband – and discovered that her family was actually relieved for her! They had been very worried about her, but had not wanted to interfere.
When Gwen no longer felt trapped and suffocated, her desire to drink went away. She was so excited to be able to be herself. “I just couldn’t be myself with Sam. No matter what I did, it was wrong, unless I did exactly what he wanted me to do. It is such a relief to be able to just be myself. And my children actually seem happier too. They are so happy to have me back rather than numbed out with alcohol.”
If you want to stop drinking and can’t, you might want to look closely at what you would need to do to change your situation so that you no longer need to drink to avoid pain.
Her husband is supporting her. She claims it happened because she was drunk. Her husband is supporting her. What do you think?
A Carroll woman who was caught having sex in the men’s room at an Iowa Hawkeye football game in Minneapolis last weekend says she’d had so much wine before kickoff that she doesn’t remember walking into the restroom, the man she had sex with in a stall, or when the police opened the door.
What Lois Feldman, 38, will remember is the humiliation afterward.
“It’s ruined my life,” she said through tears today. “Not just the incident but the press.”
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Feldman, a married mother of three, has been the target of Internet jokes and prank telephone calls today. She was fired this morning from an assisted living center, where she had been an administrator.
Feldman said her husband, Kelly, has been supportive. She said he faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom before halftime.
“I don’t know what happened,” Lois Feldman said. “But I don’t deny that it did happen because obviously there are police reports.”
Police ticketed Feldman, 38, and Ross Walsh, 26, of Linden for indecent conduct Saturday night.
A security guard who said he saw the two having sex through a gap in a men’s restroom stall flagged down campus police, according to the police report.
By the time an officer arrived, about a dozen people were cheering and laughing in the bathroom while Feldman and Walsh were inside the stall, the report said.
The officer pushed his way through the crowd, opened the door and separated Feldman and Walsh, the report said.
Police described both Feldman and Walsh as upset, drunk and uncooperative.
Chuck Miner, deputy chief of the University of Minnesota police department, said officers tracked down Feldman’s husband.
“I’m not sure how they made contact with her husband, but they needed her husband to help identify her” because she’d given the wrong middle name.
Miner said police didn’t measure the blood-alcohol level of Feldman or Walsh. Asked to respond to Feldman’s claim that she was too drunk to recall the incident, Miner said: “That’s probably an accurate statement.”
Feldman said she’d never met Walsh.
“I don’t know who this man is,” she said today. “I just found out his name in the paper last night.”
Walsh wasn’t immediately available for comment.
Carroll, Feldman’s hometown, is about 60 miles northwest of Linden, where Walsh lives.
Feldman, who describes herself as a light drinker, drank wine at the home of family friends before the football game.
She said she doesn’t remember how much she drank, but the party’s hosts refilled her glass each time it was low “so I’m sure I drank a lot.”
Feldman said her husband later told her he’d tried to talk her out of the game because she was intoxicated.
“He said I didn’t realize it was that bad,” she said.
Feldman said her husband accompanied her to the game, but their friends stayed home.
She said she remembers sitting in the stands one moment and the next “being slammed around by a cop and screaming.”
“Apparently I was panicked and very uncooperative,” she said.
Feldman said she “ran away” from her husband the Metrodome after the incident.
She said a woman she didn’t know offered her a ride home about 11 p.m.
Feldman said she gave her husband’s cell phone number to the woman, who called Kelly Feldman for directions to the couple’s hotel.
Lois Feldman said her attorney has encouraged her to fight the ticket.
“He feels I was taken advantage of in my state of mind,” she said. “This is not me. We’re a very good family. This shouldn’t happen.”
Miner, the campus police officer, said fighting the indecent conduct charge could be a long shot.
“It’s spelled out in the law in Minnesota that intoxication is not a defense to any crime,” he said.
Please, do not judge! I was extremely intoxicated this past weekend and agreed to a threesome with my husband and best friend. He ended up having sex with her right in front of me which I didn’t expect to happen. I wasn’t really too hurt at the time because I was pretty far gone but now I’m extremely hurt. I just can’t get the images of my husband having sex with another one right in front of me out of my head. It makes me sick to my stomach. I know I agreed while I was drunk but I just feel that if he really loved me and was gentleman he wouldn’t have let it happen. He wasn’t drunk at all. I’m also wondering if he’s cheated on me and I don’t know about it because he can have sex with my best friend right in front of me and not feel guilty about it. I just don’t know what to do. Again, please no rude remarks. I don’t need them right now.
The underlying basis of all addictions – and alcohol is no exception – is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people have genetic and biological predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many people who join AA learn to deal with their painful emotions without the use of alcohol, regardless of their genetic predisposition.
What if you are a person who wants to stop drinking, who has tried AA and treatment programs, and just can’t stop? What might be happening here?
Often, the pain you want avoid is the pain of loneliness and inner aloneness. The aloneness is caused by inner disconnection, and the loneliness is caused by not connecting with others.
Sometimes, the situation you are in is extremely lonely and painful; yet leaving the situation might seem even more painful.
For example, Gwen married a man she thought was kind and caring. But after they had a child and experienced financial stress, he became verbally abusive to her and to the children. Alcohol had always been a part of her life, but she started to abuse it when the pain and stress of her marriage became too great for her to handle. Due to her fear of her family’s judgment and her two children, Gwen did not want to leave her marriage.
Gwen felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she stayed, she would need to continue to be at the other end of her controlling, angry, needy, blaming, judgmental husband. Gwen felt extremely lonely with him and suffocated by him – feeling like she had to tow the line and do what he wanted or be at the other end of his rage. Whenever he would attack her with his anger and criticism, she would overtly give in, but covertly numb out and resist him with her drinking. Her husband, Sam, hated her drinking, and would become even more controlling. But for Gwen, drinking was the only way she knew to survive the pain of his insults while finding some way to resist his control. Not knowing how to take care of herself with her husband, she gave herself up, creating the inner aloneness.
If she left, she believed she would need to face the anger and judgment of her parents and siblings. No one in her family had ever been divorced. Gwen was terrified of being outcast from her family of origin. She believed that the pain of leaving would be worse than the pain of staying – that she would end up feeling even lonelier.
Gwen tried to learn to speak up for herself, but this only brought more abuse. From Gwen’s point of view, there was no way out other than to numb the pain through drinking.
As long as Gwen believed that she could be okay only though the approval of others, she remained stuck and unable to stop drinking. But Gwen decided to get some help in learning how to take loving care of herself.
Gwen grew up being the good girl in her family, the person who looked after everyone else’s feelings and needs. She learned well to ignore her own feelings and needs. When she started counseling with me, she actually had no idea why she drank.
As Gwen started to tune into her own feelings and learned to connect with a spiritual Source of love and comfort, she realized that keeping herself and her children in an abusive situation was not loving to anyone. She asked her husband to join her in counseling, but he refused. Mustering her courage, she left her husband – and discovered that her family was actually relieved for her! They had been very worried about her, but had not wanted to interfere.
When Gwen no longer felt trapped and suffocated, her desire to drink went away. She was so excited to be able to be herself. “I just couldn’t be myself with Sam. No matter what I did, it was wrong, unless I did exactly what he wanted me to do. It is such a relief to be able to just be myself. And my children actually seem happier too. They are so happy to have me back rather than numbed out with alcohol.”
If you want to stop drinking and can’t, you might want to look closely at what you would need to do to change your situation so that you no longer need to drink to avoid pain.
Before you all judge me, you have to hear me out. My Auntie is fairly wealthy. She won a huge settlement from her work because of an on the site accident at her job, which left her some permanent physical disability. She married late in her life, in her fifties to a man who is like close to half her age (literally in his early thirties) The whole family has talked her not to marry this man because he’s got Gold Digger written all over his face. Which led a fallout relationship between my mother and her. I am somewhat my Auntie’s favorite neice, and she has offered me $50 a week if I can take care her house work for her, since she is somewhat handicapped. A few weeks ago, I made my routine stop at my Auntie’s house getting ready to sweep and mop her floor. Mattie (the young husband) answered the door, saying my Auntie was gone for the day to speak to her lawyer about legal stuff. I just proceeded to go the closet and get the vacuum cleaner started. It was a hot day in Southern California, more like 90 Degrees. In the spirit of Cinco de Mayo a few days ago he made me some Margaritas. It was extremely hot, I consumed like 3 or 4 of them. I was lucky enough to finish the job till I passed out on the living room couch. Completely exhausted and intoxicated. To make the long story short, I woke up that my pants were unzipped and he proceeded to give me oral. I was like “what are you doing?” Me being drunk and horny at the same time gave in to the pleasure. He said something like “ever since I saw you, I always had a crush on you. Plus your auntie can’t get wet anymore.” I left confused and afraid. I want to do the right thing and tell my auntie, but I am afraid I would complicate things for her. Plus her relationship with my Mom is not that good as of now. Plus I don’t want to give her a heart attack. She is on a Pace maker. Is silence is Golden here in this situation? But the horny, freaky and sexual side of me tells me something else.
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